


The gray doesn't exist.

by Carbonara976



Category: zaintsee, เพราะรักใช่ป่าว | Why R U?: The Series (TV), เพราะรักใช่ป่าว | Why R U?: The Series (TV) RPF
Genre: Broken Heart, Episode: s01e04 Fighter Flight, Feelings, Fluffy, Love, M/M, Oral Sex, Romance, Sensuality, Sexual Content, Smut, Top Tutor (Why R U?: The Series), WhyRU theseries, after the series, long story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26733334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carbonara976/pseuds/Carbonara976
Summary: Zee, an emerging actor, didn't know that this audition would completely change his life.He didn't know  that Saint would do it.
Relationships: Fighter/Tutor (Why R U?: The Series), Zee Pruk Panich/Saint Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	1. Prologue 0.0

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! this is the first ff I had the courage to post months ago on another platform.  
> This is just a prologue, the story has about forty chapters not too long, I hope you like it.  
> the title of the story has a hidden meaning that will be revealed at the end of the work so please follow me!  
> The story that you are going to read is only the fruit of my imagination, I wrote in Italian and a dear friend was really kind to translate it in English.  
> English is not her mother tongue so she apologizes for any errors.  
> All credit for the translation go to her.  
> If you want you can also follow me on tw: @Lovegame_gray for further updates and more.  
> please leave a comment I'd be happy :)  
> Enjoy the reading.

𝐙𝐞𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯.  
𝑨 𝒍𝒊𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆, 𝒊𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆𝒔, 𝒊𝒕 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒌 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕. 𝑳𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒖𝒔, 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒐𝒏.  
My mind couldn't stop from creating parachutes, excuses for all of my actions.

𝑻𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒅, 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒉𝒊𝒎, 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒆𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒐𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂 𝒈𝒂𝒎𝒆.  
𝑰 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒈𝒖𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔, 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒈𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏.

Every smile, word and action that he spoke to me and that were so easy for him, they meant the world to me.  
I closed every type of door, every glimmer, after the love that I felt for him had shattered my soul into pieces, the only one who was bleeding was me, while he was just looking at me but he didn't see, he couldn't see me.  
After two months of pure agony in which our relationship seemed never to have existed, that night I was determined to let it all go.  
Why keep going forward and preserve something that had already been reduced into ash?  
Ash.  
Into which all the cigarettes I smoked turned while I had him in my mind.  
''𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒂𝒏.'' That's what I expected from him. I spent countless nights picturing his possible answers but I wasn't ready to hear them.

𝑰𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒈𝒖𝒆.

How many times? How many times I kept telling myself the same thing every day of my existence? Before accepting my feelings I did anything but repress, buring in the arid groung how I was madly in love with him.  
I perfectly played my part even after we got out from the set of the series we did together, I continued to keep my mask so I could have him as close as possible, because I feared that if I revealed my true emotions he would leave.  
There was a moment in my life where even the actor inside me got tired of his character, soon enough I realised how much I needed to express how I really felt and all of my perplexities disappeared infront of the occasion to finally get rid of my burden.  
My life wasn't a stage, I didn't want to play anymore in real life.  
How surprised would he be to hear my voice after so long? I was paying attention to anything but myself, instead I paid attention to how my heart would tremble to hear his voice, the only sound that i adored, i paid attention to how unconsciously I wanted him.  
While I called his number, incessant beads of sweat poured from my forehead and my trembling fingers on my screen reflected an intern anguish that wouldn't leave me alone.  
I couldn't imagine that he would make me feel all his disappointment from an electronic device.  
Disappointment that began to reflect even on me.

𝑨𝒎 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈? 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒇 𝑰 𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒖𝒑 𝒃𝒚 𝒊𝒏𝒗𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆?

The answers to my questions were not given even when he walked through the doorway of my apartment, I couldn't read his state of mind. The only thing possible to feel was the tense and unhappy atmosphere that could be breathed in the big living room.  
Even though our glances were shy and incredibly distant, those times when I nervously layed my eyes on him I couldn't help but think how extraordinarily handsome he was and how time didn't change anything, neither he nor me.  
I decided to speak after an empty silence just beacuse I didn't want to sugar the pill, at the end i was the only one taking it.  
I couldn't blame him for losing my mind, it wasn't his fault if I needed him to be better, but not even in my wildest imagination I would have thought possible the reaction he had.  
The hardest part was to start, but after my words began to overflow like a river in flood and in the same way my tears did not cease from my eyes, flooding my face.  
Every syllable, heavy, impressive, came out of my throat burning it like acid every time I spoke.  
Pain, agony, but at the same time freedom and relief hit my chest.  
«We haven't talked for months, we don't see each other, we don't pay the slightest attention to the other, it seems like what we had before has evaporated and has not left even a faint trace but I don't think I have to tell you, it's obvious. As childish as it may seem on me I don't want even the little work that we have left to do. I'll post bail to split our contract, I'll do everything I can to not see you again if that's how it's going to be.» I said wandering in the room, not being able to fully control my body.  
Saint looked at me like I said something in another language, as if I had not said a single vowel of meaning and he managed to make me feel out of place with a simple glance.  
« Phi what’s wrong with you all of a sudd... » he tried to answer me, but I immediately interrupted him, gathering all the courage I could.

𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒕𝒉, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒕𝒉, 𝒄'𝒎𝒐𝒏 𝒁𝒆𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒃𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂 𝒄𝒐𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅.

«Actually Saint I want to stop working with you because I finally met a person. It's just that before...» I took a deep breath before continuing «... before my heart belonged...»

𝑲𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒅𝒐 𝒊𝒕, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒕.

«... to you. »  
As much as I wanted to be transparent and sincere, once again I hid and this time behind an imaginary person that I met, I hid like a mangy rat.

𝑰 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒐𝒏, 𝑰 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒚.

A stony silence descended between us, he was watching me but he wasn't going to say a word so I just had to walk the path that I chose. It seemed like I’d gone the wrong way from the start and that my navigator was broken given that it insistently brought me to him.

𝑳𝒊𝒆𝒔, 𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒐𝒓, 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒐 𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒍𝒍 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒃𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒐𝒏 𝒎𝒆.  
𝑯𝒐𝒘 𝒅𝒐 𝑰 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔, 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒅𝒐 𝑰 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒍𝒔𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖? 𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒍, 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒃𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒂𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒑? 𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒂𝒕 𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒆?

«I have loved you for all this year of work, I have loved you Saint, not my character, not the actor but only me, Zee...»

𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒋𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔.

«...but you don't have to worry, I just need to stay away so I can open my heart to that person.»

𝑰𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒔𝒐 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆? 𝑪𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒆? 𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒕.

I didn’t stop to give him a chance to process how much I had just thrown back at him but just to take out all the air I held, and trembling, my mouth kept moving.  
«You were not my first love but you were the most heartbreaking, the closer I got to you, the more I felt like I was being sucked into something I couldn’t control, you were my beautiful and bright moon but I, I was the sun and to give birth to you I had to set.»  
I tried in vain not to dampen my eyes with salt water, but it was all for nothing. I began to cry unceasingly, having no shame in front of him and for once I focused only on the great sense of liberation that penetrated me.  
I did not care that he did not say a thing until the minutes began to accumulate excessively. Why didn’t he have a reaction? I had just opened my heart to him and I didn’t get any of those catchphrases typical of Saint?  
My ideas were abruptly interrupted by a deaf applause from his hands.  
«Wow Phi you’ve really improved your acting since we finished our show, you’re amazing. I heard you’re gonna be working on another drama soon. Do you already know who’s gonna be your co-protagonist? He’s lucky to have the chance to interact with a professional like you. Tell me the truth! You invented the whole opening part to make me fall for it!»  
Before I even got all his statements and that they entirely went through my mind, anger grafted into every part of me. How could he ignore all the effort that confession costed me?  
I hardly heard the other things he said, too intent unleashing my fury.  
«Funny, your little game, have you ever thought... »  
He had no way to go on because I snapped forward towards him closing my fists so hard that I could almost touch the living flesh with my fingernails.  
The screaming left my oral cavity before I could even realize it, I wanted to scream even louder.  
«Shut up Saint! You don’t have the right to do this!»  
My eyes almost came out of their natural home because of the ongoing effort.  
He answered me without even bothering to meet our eyes. «Stop it now Zee, I have already told you that you are very good. We can end it here or you’ll scare me.  
Did you buy food? I’m always hungry you know!»  
He said that last sentence with a little smile and he headed towards the kitchen.  
I wish I could have laughed too.  
His footsteps stopped resonating in the environment and almost seemed to deprive me of adding anything else.  
In that immediate moment when he left the room a sense of bitterness took over my range and I fell at the foot of the black fabric sofa. Everything around me seemed bigger than normal but maybe it was just the projection of the void inside of me.  
I was left alone, with the deepest regret I could feel. Who says that when your heart is broken you can’t feel anything? Well because, I’d like to stab him with the blades of mine, now destroyed.

𝐒𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯.  
When Zee invited me to go to his place I had the strange feeling that nothing good would happen and I could tell it by the tone of his voice.  
I did everything I could to deflect the subject of our conversation, to not declare how much worse than him I felt, to pretend I didn’t know.  
How much energy it took me to invent a smile, to not fall to my knees on that cold floor when I heard his sobbing.  
How much it costed me not to run into his arms and dry with tender kisses those tears that did not stop to stream down his cheeks. All my effort came out in the form of tears when I managed to escape to the kitchen, almost randomly, leaving that environment that had become suffocating. There, finally alone, I leaned to the table with trembling arms, my bangs slightly covered my face and I let my teary irises fall on my hands now closed, clinging against the rough surface.  
Rough and dirty, like the thoughts that hovered in my mind.  
𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒌𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒇𝒐𝒐𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒂𝒎, 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍, 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏.


	2. Call it destiny, if you want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy the first chapter of the story, your feedback is important to me please leave a comment or kudos!  
> follow me on tw @Lovegame_gray

𝒁𝒆𝒆'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗.  
I knew, in a manner of speaking, Saint Suppasong through his works. I passionately followed every series, interview or sponsorship that that guy so young was able to get with just his hands. I admired, worshipped the way Saint put his acting profession into practice, his expressivity, his way of conveying emotions, how he managed to be one with his character, till the point to make me feel his agony, his joy, at every single line. His emotions became mine and the tears that he shed reflected on my cheeks. I was amazed by his ability and stubbornness to obtain the recognition that he deserved, this only increased my curiosity about him more and more.  
I wish I knew everything about him, I wanted to get in touch with him even if for a single time because at the time I was just a fanboy with the only wish to take a picture with him, he who was my only surce of inspiration.  
I certainly couldn't expect everything that happened, how it all happened, how my feelings for him changed.  
The dark and tormented moments of the two of us, his leaning on me and finding a shelter in my person, his boundless confidence in my work, all this was what made me lose my way, what diverted me to the point where I radically changed.  
It took me time but it was the best time I ever invested, Saint would always be worth it.

Out of the blue and sooner than I could have imagined I had the chance to see him in person thanks to some pass that my friends got for me as my birthday present but I couldn't really enjoy the show because anxiety took over every fiber of my system. My legs wouldn't stop trembling and move impatiently even if I was standing still and waiting.  
Around me myriad of people seemed to came from all over the city in order to meet him and it didn’t surprise me at all but I seriously could not focus on anything, my mind wouldn't give me a moment to breathe.

𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒅𝒐 𝒊 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒉𝒊𝒎? 𝑰 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒇𝒐𝒐𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇! 𝑺𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝑰 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒅 𝒈𝒂𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈?  
𝒀𝒆𝒔, 𝒅𝒆𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚.  
𝑺𝒐, 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒅𝒖𝒄𝒆 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇  
𝑯𝒊! 𝑴𝒚 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒔...  
𝒁-𝒛...

If even on my mind I got stucked like an old CD I wouldn’t even dared to imagine what would happen in reality. The event ended too quickly and everyone who had the pass or vip tickets were invited to queue backstage in orded to meet him. I started torturing my fingers trying to calm my inner tidal wave but in doing so I did not notice the uncontrolled river of sweat that began to flow rapidly from my forehead.

𝑶𝒏𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏...

«Ah, damn it! I shouldn’t have worn this sweatshirt.» I said out loud to loosen my thoughts and focus on finding a quick solution but right at that moment a woman from the staff members pronounced my name to let me get near her and checked my pass.  
«Please next! Zee Pruk?» she asked to see if I was present.  
For a second I thought it was ridiculous to be there, beacuse of my age, cause being a fan of an actor didn't suit a 27 y.o. man but I immediately convinced myself that I would have never had a chance like this again in my ordinary life so I pushed myself to move forward and resetted every problem that dind't regard him.  
«I'm here.» I said calmly trying to hide the emotional roller coaster that was distorting me.  
«Go ahead, you have 5 minutes.» she told me after giving back my badge and moving the tent to let me pass.  
I barely advanced a few steps, dragging my shoes on the hard wooden floor. I felt heavier than I really was, like I was carrying around some big chains.

𝒀𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒇 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒅𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕, 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒂 𝒈𝒓𝒊𝒑.

The air went in and out of my mouth repeatedly and noisily while I decided to look up towards him.  
I was amazed, not so much by his beauty, but by the kindness and sweetness with whom he approached the people who supported him.  
He was still talking to a fan, who took more time than she had to, but he did not send her away, nor turn her away, when she drew near to embrace him fiercely, indeed he welcomed her smiling.  
This episode gave me a chance to think that I valued the right person, but above all focusing on its build, much taller and sleeker than what it looked like on the internet and on television.  
He was surrounded by a soft candour by the white clothes he wore, in perfect harmony with his delicate skin, the only touch of color was given by a fancy shirt where yellow and red elements intertwined.  
His hair was pulled back with gel but some rebellious tuft fell on his forehead causing him a slight discomfort to his eyes, thin as almonds. Maybe the only thing I could say was the same as the photos that were circulating and that it didn’t surprise me was his chubby cheeks.  
Too busy keeping every moment in my eyes I didn’t realise that he invited me to come closer waving and giving me a dazzling smile.  
When our eyes really crossed for the first time I was so nervous, I almost had the perception that my heart could be heard pawing.  
«Hello...» He told me when I got close enough to hear him speak. I responded to his smile making mine, the biggest on that day.  
«Hello Saint I am Zee, it is a real honor to meet you, I’ve been supporting and admiring you for a long time, do you want to take a picture with me? » I said in the immediate without even giving him the opportunity to adjust to my presence.

𝑫𝒂𝒎𝒏 𝒊𝒕 𝒁𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒇𝒇 𝒐𝒖𝒕, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒇𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒆𝒄𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒊𝒕’𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅!

He laughed a little bringing a couple of fingers to his lips, perhaps to disguise it and not offend me, unfortunately I did realize that I had been quite funny, anxiety had taken over me.  
«Your friends told me a lot about you and yet I did not expect you to be so, I couldn’t wait to meet you.»  
My eyes wide opened at his answer.

𝑯𝒐𝒘!? 𝑰 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝑰 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈…

«My...friends told you about m-me?! » I asked, not hiding my surprise.  
He looked away from me, his mouth arched in a slight grin, he signed a picture very quickly and handed it to me right after.  
«Tommy, Jimmy, Joss and I are in the same environment, we met often for various work and they told me something.»  
I reached my fingers out towards the object that separated us without moving my eyes still looking at his fine features until he looked up, letting me immerge in those dark but shining irises that distinguished him.

𝑰𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒂𝒈𝒈𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝑰 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏’𝒕...𝑰 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒄𝒕…  
𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝑰’𝒎 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒔 𝑰 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆.

«Tha..nks.. fo..r everyth...ing» I tried to say trying to regain some restraint after my state of trance so I awkwardly started to head to the exit when he stopped me saying «Wait, what about the picture??» With a faint, doubtful tone, thinking that maybe I didn’t want it anymore.  
«Oh, right! » I exclaimed pulling out the cell phone in the immediate. He got closer and closer choosing the right position until he lightly touched my cheek, almost imperceptibly.  
I smiled when I saw that he did the same thing by watching him from the camera. The emotion came upon my face too fearless, I could feel that I was blushing unintentionally. We looked at each other for another moment even though I wanted to keep asking for more, another and then another one till summing them and create an infinitely long moment.  
«Until next time, then» He told me while he slightly lowered his head and a staff member walked me out.  
«Mh» tried to say as I was about to walk through the tent to leave. I caught a glimpse of him one last time as he took a gift that had been brought to him and with that idyllic image I walked out of the structure.  
The air was sweet and the sun looked less bright in my eyes after our meeting. I was still in disbelief, I finally talked to the person that I most admired but this ecstasy that I wanted to enjoy did not stop me from composing Tommy's number, even before I saw how I looked in our first photo.  
«Hello. »He answered me almost immediately, at the second ring.  
«You and the others are completely crazy!» I told him right away and then I was inundated by a collective «Surprisee!!» they were all together.  
« You bastards!» I said with the corners of my mouth barely raised.  
«So what? Did you tell him how devoted you are to him?» Jimmy asked.  
« And how your eggs are scrembled for him??» he spoked after that Joss and their laughter resounded in the background.  
« Wait till I reach you and I'll show you! »  
«We're at my house. »Tommy added, chuckling like the others.  
«Start running away!» I said too amused by their claims.  
«We are expecting you trembling Pruk.» Joss teased me and I hung up the phone thinking that I had, in the deep, real friends.  
After that time I kept supporting Saint without being so obvious like my friends tried to mention last time. I continued in my intent to look at him from afar, wherever he went, whatever party or event there was I was with him and I prayed that he would always be successfull.

𝑫𝒊𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆? 𝑫𝒊𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆, 𝒊𝒏 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒅 𝒂𝒅𝒎𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖? 𝑾𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒃𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒈𝒏𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒎𝒆?

My friends all worked with an entertainment company and after a few months they pushed me to do interviews, or at least try.  
« I don’t think it’s a good idea guys...» I said trowing on a desk the sheets of a script that I should have memorized sitting in Joss' mud-stained couch.  
«Zee you have to be more confident, Jimmy made it. Jimmy, do you understand who i’m talking about? » Tommy answered me who immeadtly was slapped on the neck by the subject of his words, and while they were sparring I put one of those big cushions on my face. My head was spinning because of the caos that was inside of it, until Joss tried to spoke to me.  
«I think you should give it a try, it’s the only time where they’ll do castings for permanent members and I heard from the offices that there are only five vacancies. Give it a go Zee, at the end of the day you don’t have a stable job and at the very least we’ll go and have a drink.» He stated putting his arm on my shoulder to encourage me.  
I met his eyes and I couldn’t help but express my doubts, I was frustrated.  
« But I don’t know anything about acting, I mean how do you...» I loudly snorted sinking back into the pillow.  
«Think for a moment, if we become famous and act in a series we will start travelling around the country and you? We won't see each other anymore.» jimmy said who was still fighting with Tommy to get the better of him.  
«Don’t leverage on our friendship.» I said finally moving away the soft pillow from me.  
«You have nothing to lose but only everything to gain! » Said Tommy trying to free himself from Jimmy’s long arms that were around his neck.  
«You'll support me...» But I did not have time to finish the sentence that all three answered in chorus «Always!>>  
«All right, all right!!» I said quite convinced.  
And so they pushed and encouraged me, they gave me advices and tips on how to behave sharing their own past experiences just to help me.

The meeting was held a few weeks later so I had much time to prepare myself.  
« So?! How do you think it went?»Tommy asked me immediately after I left the room where the candidates were brought in.  
All three had insisted on accompanying me even though that day they had no reason to come at the company but I didn’t expect them to stay until the end.  
«You’re still here!? »  
«Come on, don't make a fuss» Jimmy replied.  
I laughed at the situation trying to take all three under my arms and I said «I think well, also...» I looked around to make sure no one could hear «... i'm really the most handsome here!» and they burst into thunderous laughter trying to make fun of me.  
«Not more handsome than I am!» said Joss who then added « Let’s go to lunch, it’s better!»  
I was glad at the end that I had listened to my friends because that’s how I started working in show business and in modeling first.  
That’s how I had a chance to change my life, that’s how I got the opportunity of my existence.  
I started, because of my new job, to take more and more care of my physical appearance, of my health, practicing a lot of gym every day and taking protein powder during meals for increase my muscle mass.  
At that time of change I met a girl named Wendy that was always present in the gym as a personal trainer of some girls and and it took less than a week for us to get into bed between equivocal looks, masked phrases and voluntary touches. I couldn’t say I had a real relationship with her but there was this woman in my nights, a common and ordinary beautiful girl who filled those long, lonely nights.  
Our relationship was largely made up of pure sex because I very often refused to go out with her, even just to eat something, i saved all my money for Saint’s events and despite she found out about my passion for series and for that young actor she kept coming after me, undaunted. I had fun ven though I didn’t love her.  
The time passed quietly and I continued my projects without a hitch and I pursed my passions till one day in april, calm and peaceful, as my life had always been until then, the company for which I now worked stably decided to collaborate with an acting company which was external to our group.  
Together the two agencies decided to create a TV series with the common goal to give life to something that definitively would upset the world of entertainment.  
Everyone could have the opportunity to participate in the casting for the main protagonists, even ordinary people, It was such a big project that it needed a lot of extras.  
I tore the paper that was affixed by taking it in my hands and I looked at it with greed.  
«It’s time to put into practice everything we taught you.» Joss told me.  
« I have already acted in some commercials remember? »I answered immediately  
« Yes but here we are on another level, remember our advices and you will be amazing, you will shine.»  
I turned my head to look at him and I added «Thanks man, I want to make it.»  
I participated in the selections having no idea that I could have such a great fortune. I crossed the threshold with only hope accompanying me and it was there that I saw him among hundreds and I recognized him among all, It was there that I felt destiny gravitating on my existence. What a chance there was that I could see his figure rise up and stand out among many while browsing through the pages of the script that we had been given in advance?  
The finger, before it was passed between the dirty paper, made a slight turn between his lips barely touching his tongue so that with that humidity he could reread everything quickly without wasting time detaching the sheets glued together. It’s been about a month since he did events and I had no way of seeing him live but in the meantime he kept having a skin so white that the sun seemed to be afraid to burn him, his smile kept showing those in line teeth so white and his hair persisted in remaining messy although this time it was less evident because he had an open fringe on his forehead. I saw him confronting some guys holding the line with his finger not to lose the mark of what he was analyzing and I was about to introduce myself too since I was still on the doorstep.  
Yes, the clock kept ticking and the days on the calendar were passing, everything flowed and passed inexorably but one thing had not changed since our first encounter: the strange, inexplicable feeling I had when I saw him.  
Joss, Jimmy and Tommy used to tease me about my little bond with Saint, how I changed when it came to things that concerned him, sometimes I couldn’t bear to be told such foolishness, mine was only admiration, att least it was like that in the beginning, I wanted to convince myself it still was.  
I did not move my gaze from him so I could still see him among the crowd but I didn’t know what to do exactly.

𝑫𝒐 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒎𝒆? 𝑯𝒆’𝒍𝒍 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒆, 𝒘𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒉𝒆?

I did not have time to ask myself any more questions, to find an answer to my questions and interpret my wishes that he stopped paying attention to that stack of documents, that met the floor, to took a bottle of water. The strawberry lips adhered to the neck of the hard plastic while the contents poured on his throat but just after, wiping his ends, he casually turned around, maybe, in my direction.  
His eyes colored like a cherry wood laid on me, lingering and I did not move, I didn’t stop that sudden contact. In a weak moment the room was suddenly empty, no buzz, noise came to my ear only the frecuency of my heart that resounded inside me.  
Destiny had joined us, we had found each other.

𝐒𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭’𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯  
That boy who was described to me as my great supporter by the actors that I had met on set of a collaboration showed up at my event and I wasn’t expecting that. I thought his friends were making fun of him or better they were making fun of me but it turned out to be real.  
His black hair surrounded his sculpted face, the jaw was pronounced and it gave him strong features, he looked really tough but when he smiled at me it was as if his face had turned into something extremely delicate and tender, with his eyes shrinking into only two slight cracks. Maybe that’s what it was, he had eyes that were sweet.  
I just smiled and tried to hide it, I didn’t want him to feel derided, also because I had rarely had the pleasure of dealing with male fans. When the event ended, even though I was tired I asked Chen, my manager, a favor.  
«Can you get me the list of those who had VIP tickets? Ah and turn off my phone, does nothing but ringing.» And I let myself go to the couch that was in that little dressing room.  
«What do you have to do? » he asked me curious and then added «Here.» passing me the cell phone.  
«You just bring it to me, then couldn’t you turn this off? » I looked then at the object thinking that searching all the tags and photos that would come out was impossible besides mine was only curiosity.  
Chen left the room and then returned with a folder as I requested. I immediately reanimated myself and began to browse through the battery that was waiting for me.  
«There he is!» I said satisfied.  
«What?!» and tried to approach to peek on the paper I had in my hands. « Nothing, done, put it all down.» I told him then getting up.  
Zee Pruk, Pruk was his last name, that’s was the whole name of that person who had aroused my curiosity and amezement.  
After our meeting I never saw him again, at every next event I was hoping for him to get back behind the scenes but I didn’t have much luck. Then I stopped making even those few public appearances, for about a month I asked my manager not to make other shows since I was busy studying for university and so the chances dropped below 0%.  
I never thought I’d see that face again and it kind of bothered me, he decreed himself as my big fan, he made his friends talk about him, and then he disappeared.

It was a normal day of study at home when Chen came bringing with him stacks and stacks of files.  
«What are you doing here? I told you that it is not the case to work, the exam is close and plus you know that it’s almost time for graduation.» He made room for himself to enter the house where he was not invited.  
«Oh, c’mon Saint! You know you can’t go on with these little jobs, to make it we need something new and fresh. » He came to the kitchen table throwing away all the material he had with him and waving a manifesto before my eyes.  
I carefully read each line but I ripped it out of his hand, nervous.  
«Chen! I already told you no! I’m not sure if I want to enter the casting for a new series let’s not talk about this which is close! » I left the environment before I got into some trouble and lost my patience but he followed me « Saint but this is a great opportunity! This could become an international series do you know how famous you’d be? Your dream of becoming the best would be closer.»  
Chen was almost more ambitious than me and I was encouraged to have someone like that by my side as my manager, but I still felt weird and hesitant after everything that had happened in the past.  
«I don’t feel safe, phi.» I said sincere to try to take his look off me.  
«That’s why I’m here, I’ve already sent your application and they sent me the script, plus, I got information about the director, the company, everything. So you can see for yourself.»  
I looked at him puzzled but in the end he not only convinced me to take a look around but also to show up at the auditions.  
That day I was extremely agitated, I knew my abilities even under pressure but inserting myself again in the environment it reminded me of old memories I’d rather succumb and I was trying to give myself strength with positive thoughts.

𝑰𝒕’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, i𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒐. 𝑵𝒐𝒘 𝑰’𝒎 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒘𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒓.

Hesitancy, however, continued to be my main feature, I was always in time to open the door and leave and that was the last idea that crossed my mind as I took a sip of water.  
With the corner of my eye I thought I saw someone familiar but I wasn’t sure so I continued my actions until I turned to find out, curiosity killed me.  
And there he was, it really was him.  
A slender figure projected into my eyes, tall, older then he looked in my direction, with the same iris, the same lips shape that I saw months ago, he was there too.  
All my speculations disappeared and I felt like I had to take that role, make it mine, all disappeared when our glances met and it gave me an immense security, as if all this was written somewhere but not on a script, me, him, here in the same place at the same time.  
It was the first time when I had the feeling I shouldn’t miss out the opportunities that I had because perhaps those would be the last ones.

𝒁𝒆𝒆 𝑷𝒓𝒖𝒌.  
𝑾𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒚?


End file.
